Shows I will not be watching

We have all seen ridiculous attempts at marketing shows that flop horribly. Usually Channel 7 is to blame here. Hamish and Andy, and whatever that two episode wonder of live comedy was called would be prime examples. Speaking of whatever that show was called, boy did they wheel out the big guns by having the first (and only) two episodes hosted by William McInnes and Tom Williams. Neither one of those guys has ever said anything funny.

For some inexplicable reason Channel 10 has now jumped on the expensive hype, bad show bandwagon. Given that recent history suggests that the more a show is marketed, the less time it runs for, I can’t quite understand the logic, but then again I probably would have said “Put a bunch of bogans in a house and then, like, nothing happens every night for about eight months, that will never work”, so what do I know.

So, to the shows I won’t be watching...

David Tench Tonight
The first hint that this was going to end badly was that the endlessly repeated teaser ads failed to contain a single funny line even though they had clearly worked really hard on them. The attempts to jump on the Socceroos bandwagon were tragic enough, but the utterly clichéd attempt at humour embodied by the “I don’t want to catch Ben Lee’s disease” line should have been enough to get the show cancelled three months before the first episode.

Channel 10, having clearly not annoyed us all enough, then decided to announce “At last, someone real on television”. This is usually code for “someone you haven’t heard of who will pretend to have controversial opinions”, or, given that this is Channel 10 possibly just a former housemate. The “real” person inevitably turns out to be following a carefully scripted, focus group tested and probably depressingly right wing line.

So, while I expected the “someone real on television” line to be a bit of a lie, I must admit to some surprise when it turned out to be A COMPLETE AND UTTER LIE.

Yes, there is someone in the world more cynical than me, and they work in marketing at Channel 10.

There is no amount of money in the world that would entice me to watch some animated idiot talking to frankly bemused minor celebrities for even two minutes of my life.

Yasmin’s getting married
Well I can’t, can I? But even if this show had made it past episode number four, I will not be watching any show based on the premises that:
1. A woman who is not married at 29 need to hurry up and get married in the next nine weeks to someone she hasn’t met yet
2. The best way to achieve this is with the guidance of a bunch of witless TV and radio presenters.

While we're on the topic of most hyped/least seen shows, Channel 10 have possibly set some sort of record by spending that much money marketing "Rene's getting married", a show which never actually existed. Not only was it not shown, as far as we know they did not shoot even an inch of footage. Congratulations.

And, finally, just to show that Channel 7 hasn’t lost its touch when it comes to over promoting ridiculous shows, we have...


Celebrity Survivor

The endlessly repeated two minute promo appeared to actually be designed to ensure that no one with a pulse would ever watch this thing. First there was the insanely broad definition of celebrity. Imogen Bailey has only ever been on one other show and that was “Celebrity Big Brother”. Saying you are a celebrity does not make you one. And as for Kym Johnson, dancing with a celebrity does not make you one either.

As if the casting was not bad enough already, the show is hosted by the great Ian “Dicko” Perigrove. Jeff Probst looks like someone who could probably survive a week or two on a deserted island if he had to. But Dicko? His attempt at hosting “My Restaurant Rules” was bad enough, but does anyone really think that the ability to find twenty different ways of saying “You can’t sing” each week in any way suggests that he will ask a single intelligent question at any Tribal Council in this entire series?

And since we’re talking about dishonest marketing, those ads suggesting that we will see what it is like for these celebrities to be away from the world of the red carpet etc etc seem a little out of touch with reality, don’t they? When was the last time Guy Leech, Wayne Gardner or Bobby from Home & Away went anywhere near a red carpet?

Nicolle Dickson now lists her occupation as “Mum” or something similar. That has to be far harder than sitting on an island, even an island where food is a little scarce and you have to compete in a challenge every day or two.

And then we have David Oldfield. Did I miss the bit in the recent reforms to broadcasting laws that requires every Channel 7 reality show to feature a former member of One Nation? Will the next one feature unsuccessful Victorian candidate Robyn Spencer, since she’s the only other One Nation member anyone could have a hope of naming? Come to think of it, her son is on “House”, and he used to be on Neighbours, so by Channel 7’s definitions that probably makes Robyn Spencer a celebrity TWICE.

I will not watch this show, ever. The only way I could ever imaging watching this show is in the frankly quite unlikely scenario in which someone has kidnapped my entire extended family and this is their only demand and I have tried putting a ransom on the kidnapper’s head like Mel Gibson did and that hasn’t worked.

Mark Burnett, please sue these turkeys without delay. I don’t care if you approved the concept, THIS CAN’T BE WHAT YOU INTENDED. You have money. Stop the broadcast now. I’ll draft the injunction for free if you like.

If anyone actually has ever watched one of these shows, feel free to tell me all about it in the comment section, or plug your own blog where you have reviewed them, or something. I will not be watching, no, not even to prove that I was right about how low Australian television can go.

If I want to do that “Midnight Zoo” is on quite often enough.