Penguin enquiries
The report from the Cole Royal Commission into the Australian Wheat Board’s role in the payments of millions of dollars worth of bribes to Saddam Hussein was released this week. Looking at the findings I could not help but be reminded of Sir Humphrey Appleby’s famous analysis of public enquiries. Sir Humphrey once explained that such an enquiry is impartial in the same way that a train is impartial.
If you put down the track, that’s where it goes.
In the case of the Cole enquiry, we have, in effect, a situation where people became so concerned about the presence of birds in the State of Victoria that an enquiry was necessary. The Federal Government therefore gave Terrence Cole a train and a map of the Belgrave line and said there’s apparently a lot of birds out that way. We even hear there’s a picnic ground near Belgrave where people feed them. Take a ride out with a train full of lawyers and report back to us.
The opposition said they were sure that there were also penguins in the State of Victoria, and they were pretty sure that the government had known this for quite some time. They wanted the commission to be able to use other train lines like the one to Stony Point, and possibly a ferry.
The Government said they did not knowtheir asses from their elbows what a penguin was or anything about them. When pressed, Alexander Downer said he heard a rumour at one stage so he called 11660 to check but no one answered.*
After considerable public pressure, the government agreed that if Commissioner Cole happened to see anything along the lines of a largish group of black and white birds walking out the ocean as the train was running through Upper Ferntree Gully, they would extend the enquiry to include a ticket for Puffing Billy, although in their opinion the cost to the taxpayer could not be justified (and anyone who’s been on Puffing Billy lately would have to agree with that).
Commissioner Cole agreed that there was no need for the Puffing Billy trip. A few government ministers were asked to jump on the train at Upwey and they were asked if they personally owned any penguins or if they or their staff, say, had one in their pockets right now. They said "No, and if they did, how would we know?".
Several months later, Commissioner Cole released a ridiculously long report that no member of the general public could possibly have the time to read, which could be summarised by simply saying “Dude, we found a few dodgy looking birds but after looking everywhere and spending $35 million, mostly on cakes from Queen of Tarts in Belgrave and wow those tortes were impressive, we can tell you there was not a freakin’ penguin in sight, they must be extinct”.
Only a rather dishonest government could possibly celebrate this report as conclusive proof that none of them know what a penguin looks like. But they went further and, with a new level of disregard for the concept of accountability and truthfulness in government, and with a spectacular level of contempt for the people of Australia whom they are elected to serve, this government DEMANDED AN APOLOGY FROM ANYONE WHO HAD EVER DARED TO SUGGEST THAT PENGUINS MIGHT EXIST.
People of Australia, I beg you, just for once have a little self respect and stop voting for these idiots who have been taking your money and treating you like idiots for the past ten years.
* I know that only Victorians over the age of 30 are likely to understand this bit. I’m putting it in anyway because it amuses me greatly. Tiddely-woo.
If you put down the track, that’s where it goes.
In the case of the Cole enquiry, we have, in effect, a situation where people became so concerned about the presence of birds in the State of Victoria that an enquiry was necessary. The Federal Government therefore gave Terrence Cole a train and a map of the Belgrave line and said there’s apparently a lot of birds out that way. We even hear there’s a picnic ground near Belgrave where people feed them. Take a ride out with a train full of lawyers and report back to us.
The opposition said they were sure that there were also penguins in the State of Victoria, and they were pretty sure that the government had known this for quite some time. They wanted the commission to be able to use other train lines like the one to Stony Point, and possibly a ferry.
The Government said they did not know
After considerable public pressure, the government agreed that if Commissioner Cole happened to see anything along the lines of a largish group of black and white birds walking out the ocean as the train was running through Upper Ferntree Gully, they would extend the enquiry to include a ticket for Puffing Billy, although in their opinion the cost to the taxpayer could not be justified (and anyone who’s been on Puffing Billy lately would have to agree with that).
Commissioner Cole agreed that there was no need for the Puffing Billy trip. A few government ministers were asked to jump on the train at Upwey and they were asked if they personally owned any penguins or if they or their staff, say, had one in their pockets right now. They said "No, and if they did, how would we know?".
Several months later, Commissioner Cole released a ridiculously long report that no member of the general public could possibly have the time to read, which could be summarised by simply saying “Dude, we found a few dodgy looking birds but after looking everywhere and spending $35 million, mostly on cakes from Queen of Tarts in Belgrave and wow those tortes were impressive, we can tell you there was not a freakin’ penguin in sight, they must be extinct”.
Only a rather dishonest government could possibly celebrate this report as conclusive proof that none of them know what a penguin looks like. But they went further and, with a new level of disregard for the concept of accountability and truthfulness in government, and with a spectacular level of contempt for the people of Australia whom they are elected to serve, this government DEMANDED AN APOLOGY FROM ANYONE WHO HAD EVER DARED TO SUGGEST THAT PENGUINS MIGHT EXIST.
People of Australia, I beg you, just for once have a little self respect and stop voting for these idiots who have been taking your money and treating you like idiots for the past ten years.
* I know that only Victorians over the age of 30 are likely to understand this bit. I’m putting it in anyway because it amuses me greatly. Tiddely-woo.
posted by I'm not Craig at 7:23 AM
4 Comments:
Nice blog INC. I'm glad to see that you are angry too and I hope your plea doesn't fall on deaf ears, but I fear...
Cole should be ashamed of himself.
Another case of penguins overboard, perhaps?
A bunch of dishonest, arrogant snake oil salesmen. That's what this federal government is.
I don't know, you guys. I fear the people really to blame, just like in Yes Minister, are actually the civil servants. The pollies are just house-trained and told what to do and when to do it, and distracted from real issues with other irrelevant crap..
And I say this having worked in a government department. :) seeing it from the inside, it's really clear that the people who wrote Yes Minister were ex-government employees also. They may have changed the names and all, but most of what happened was probably taken from real occurances that they knew of!
For example, there was a hospital in South Australia which opened with no patients or medical staff, just administrators - after the show had aired!
I don't think the ministers are in charge at all. I don't think they could get toilet paper put into toilets, even if they run out. They'd have to go and see someone, who would tell someone, who would let someone else know, and maybe a few days later the roll would be replaced. And if they said hang on, I just want to go and get the roll myself and fix it, they'd have a better chance of a supermarket psychically knowing they needed it and showing up on the doorstep with a six pack of rolls than actually finding the person with the key to the room in which the toilet rolls are imprisoned.
Thanks, Ms B. I had originally intended that this would be a short and possibly gently flippant look at the Cole debacle/enquiry, but the more I typed the angrier I got.
Meva
Why didn't I think of penguins overboard as a title? It's a great visual.
Snoskred
I have always thought that Yes Minister was basically a documentary. Thanks for confirming this.
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