I wouldn't mistreat you/ For my weight in gold
I simply cannot lose weight when there are cakes and cookies in my house. No matter how much time I spend exercising incredible self restraint,* at some possibly alcohol fueled point, the sugar cravings will go critical and I will eat this stuff.
So, the only solution is to get these things out of my house as quickly as possible. Since all my friends are dieting and I was always taught that wasting food is utterly unacceptable, the only way to get the cookies to go away is to eat them.
This means that my current diet plan is to eat every cookie in sight, really quickly.
Popular? Yes
Effective? No
Meanwhile, the people I work with like to help out by leaving massive double chocolate chip muffins on my desk any time I'm not looking. I am not fond of these people any more.
I am also fairly sick of those Biggest Loser ads on the sides of buses. You know, the ones where two reasonably fit looking people grin at me whilst announcing some fun fact like "To burn off a can of soft drink, you have to walk 3 kilometres".
This may be true. However, I'm betting that I could burn off the same can of soft drink by sitting on the couch watching sport for three hours. Or by sleeping for seven.
By that logic, if I start drinking a can of soft drink immediately before bed every night, I won't gain any weight. This sounds like an excellent plan to me.
Still, there is reason for celebration. Until I saw that ad, I had no idea how lucky I was to be living exactly 1.5km from the nearest milk bar. If it wasn't for such excellent local town planning, I'd probably be dead by now.
* as opposed to, say, just exercising
So, the only solution is to get these things out of my house as quickly as possible. Since all my friends are dieting and I was always taught that wasting food is utterly unacceptable, the only way to get the cookies to go away is to eat them.
This means that my current diet plan is to eat every cookie in sight, really quickly.
Popular? Yes
Effective? No
Meanwhile, the people I work with like to help out by leaving massive double chocolate chip muffins on my desk any time I'm not looking. I am not fond of these people any more.
I am also fairly sick of those Biggest Loser ads on the sides of buses. You know, the ones where two reasonably fit looking people grin at me whilst announcing some fun fact like "To burn off a can of soft drink, you have to walk 3 kilometres".
This may be true. However, I'm betting that I could burn off the same can of soft drink by sitting on the couch watching sport for three hours. Or by sleeping for seven.
By that logic, if I start drinking a can of soft drink immediately before bed every night, I won't gain any weight. This sounds like an excellent plan to me.
Still, there is reason for celebration. Until I saw that ad, I had no idea how lucky I was to be living exactly 1.5km from the nearest milk bar. If it wasn't for such excellent local town planning, I'd probably be dead by now.
* as opposed to, say, just exercising
posted by I'm not Craig at 9:47 PM
10 Comments:
I think I patented this diet.
I also own the rights to the Left Overs Diet, which has been a HUGE success for me. The rules are: no serving yourself junk / calorically-heavy-nutritionally-lightweight foods, but it's open slather on anything the kids don't eat/ don't want/ don't notice you stealing.
My weight hasn't changed but my guilt levels are much more manageable.
Also, when it comes to long life, people in the 'overweight' BMI range outlive people in the 'healthy' weight range by six years. I have the published paper somewhere on my hard drive to back this claim up, but right now, a bottle of champagne stands between me and the will to find it.
Miz
Cheers!
*continues drinking sav blanc*
Couldn't you just send those cookies to the "starving children in China", like all those 1950s mums would have had us do?
I would, if I knew their address.
Plus I'm pretty sure they'd get crushed in transit.
The cookies, not the kids.
Because sending kids through the mail is NOT RIGHT, or LEGAL.
ah GW, MrB used to get the 'think of all the starving children in Africa' guilt trip. Until he started with the back chat 'Well why don't you just send it to them, hmmm...?' which was something his delightful mother simply could argue with...
I have heard that a near-starvation diet means a longer life.
But why would anyone on a near-starvation diet want to live?
I ask you? WHY?
(Pass the chocolate, please.
And the champagne.)
Miz
Clearly, I owe you money if you own the rights to the Left Overs Diet.
That diet should work, since no child will eat vegetables, but mysteriously those aren't the leftovers I go for.
Giggles
It may not be legal, but there can't be a parent in the world who hasn't thought of it just once.
To quote my sister when her daughter was six months old "You just need a postpak. We keep one in the cupboard, don't we sweetie"
Actonb
I also tried that line once. My mother was Not Amused.
Meva
I'm sure I don't know.
*passes chocolate*
Sorry, it's German.
*passes champagne also*
[muscles in, drinks some champagne]
but what happened to all the chocolate???
inc, of-topic question here. is your law area family? do you know anything about preparing an objection to large proposed development two door's down from a blogger friend's place??
sorry for attempt at free legal advice, again!
and how are you and the fam?
LOL - You people are a breath of fresh air - which I really need because Malaysia is very hot and humid. Diet-wise the only thing that really works is 3 meals a day and a bit of exercise - but the catch is, you can't think about losing weight. If you think about it, it doesn't work. My own example - Jan: -3 kg's without realising it. Feb, trying to emulate January's diet: result -0kgs. Haven't lost anything except my mind trying to work out what really happened in January.
MG
Sorry to be in no position to provide any useful free legal advice, again. I have many mad skills of a legal nature, but sadly if I was being marked on my town planning knowledge, the examiners would write "completely pants" at the foot of each page.
Well, they might if they happened to be English.
Jo
Ji there! Thanks for visiting and allowing me to add "excellent cure for humidity" to my list of this blogs accomplishments.
About the only things I know about Malaysia are that Penang has some really excellent beaches, and if you suggest walking around "Georgetown saying "Hello George" to random strangers then it is possible that members of your own family will hit you in the head.
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