Dare to dream of seamonkeys and twinkies, good people

Or I would post anything for Melbs, but I shouldn't post this: Part 2


Every once in a while, I make a promise without entirely thinking it through. I suddenly find myself saying "Yes, I would be happy to play the role of Blooper the Dog in 'Sunday School Camping Adventure'", and then I spend a number of weeks considering the many, many ways in which I am likely to regret such rashness.


I still have it on video and I solemnly swear that none of you will ever see it. Ever.

To show that I learn little from past mistakes, some time last August I foolishly made a promise to MelbourneGirl, and my other two readers, that I would post the lyrics to the least successful love song ever written.

So, despite deep concerns to the effect that none of you will ever return after reading this post, it's time to start the new year as I intend to continue it but posting stupid stuff that will make you all think less of me. So, with seriously big reservations, I will now post, in full, the lyrics to "Nothing Rhymes with Edwina".



This will, of course, stuff up the anonymity thing good and proper if this blog is ever read by anyone who met me in between 1989 and 1995, that being the length of time for which my annoyingly persistent crush lasted. I'm pretty sure that everyone who met me in that time heard about it at least once.



Except Edwina.



In hindsight, I kind of had that all the wrong way round, really.

Edwina and I grew up together at the same largish church in Melbourne. We were friends but I wanted more and, being to shy, or too scared, to tell her how I felt, I spent many hours moping to the tune of the Bangles' "Be With You". This was stupid beyond belief, but I was young and terribly insecure and these are not character traits that are likely to lead to big Seth Cohen coffee cart moments.



Some time around 1993, Edwina grew, quite reasonably, fed up with the insane internal politics at our church and, realising that she had a driver's licence now, promptly joined a different church several miles away.


We went to different universities and had few mutual friends. We still spoke on the phone from time to time but that was all. Clearly, drastic measures were called for.



So, I wrote a song and, with the help of an incredibly supportive and patient friend who happened to own a microphone and a guitar, recorded it. I posted a copy of the cassette, together with a brief letter, to Edwina and waited for the phone to ring.



If there is a copy of this song still in existence, the only person who could possibly have it would be Edwina. I suspect that that copy no longer exists. So, working purely from memory, it had an oddly upbeat tune and some excellent chord progressions and the lyrics went like this:

She's gone away, she won't come back,

and she probably thinks I don't care

I tried to write a song for her,

but it reduced me to despair

So I talk to my blank sheet of paper

And I don't know who to blame

How can I write a song for her

When nothing rhymes with her name?

It's months now since she went away

It's so long since I've seen her

I tried to write a song for her

But nothing rhymes with Edwina

It's not that I don't like her name

It's the best I've ever heard

But trying to find a rhyme for it

Is nothing short of absurd

So I sit with my blank sheet of paper

And I wonder how many times

I could have written a song for her

If I could find a word that rhymes

It's months now since she went away

I't so long since I've seen her

I tried to write a song for her

But nothing rhymes with Edwina

For the record, Edwina was a little bit moved and deeply, deeply amused by this. But, since I still lacked the courage to actually suggest going out some time, it all went nowhere. Over time, we gradually drifted apart ( I suspect she utterly disapproved of my increasingly lefty politics) and in the end Edwina married a very nice guy who was not much like me at all.



Whether her husband ever wrote her any songs is unknown, but if he did they were probably better than that one.

I, on the other hand, spent several years considering whether I should just join a monastry. Of course, it all ended happily when I met and married my true soulmate, whom I still love to distraction.



I don't know where Edwina is now or what she is doing. I just hope that she is happy, and, more importantly, that she spends no time whatsoever googling her own name.