Hilarious Magistrates Court

Sitting in Heidelberg Magistrates Court waiting to be heard can be tedious, but there was one bright moment recently. A defendant pleaded guilty to a a few charges, one of which was theft of one banana from a shop.

The Magistrate's immediate reaction when the charge was read was to look at the prosecutor and the defence lawyer and ask "Shouldn't this case be heard in the County Court?"*

Her Honour Ms Lamble, Magistrate, is hilarious.





*For anyone reading this who doesn't work in the Court system, a case must go to the County Court if the value of the stolen goods exceeds $25,000.00

MX letters too much for this blogger

I catch the train for precisely 7 minutes each way, every day. The trip home is just long enough to read MX from cover to cover.

And oh the gold to be found in the letters page.

First up we have "Cry-baby men too much for this viewer". Scott from the CBD is concerned about Aussie blokes. Very concerned. For example:
"Somehow metrosexuality is in vogue (another term no male should be aware of or use) and look what happens."

Another term? This is the second sentence of the letter and there were no terms in the first one. And is the term he objects to "metrosexuality" or "vogue"? And if no male should use these terms why did this guy just use both?

Scott goes on to tell us that "crying when you are happy used to be solely a woman's domain" before concluding with the rather unconvincing statement "I'm not being chauvinistic at all, I'm just worried". There's more, but I think we get the idea.

For the sake of balance, I'm an Aussie male who still cries every time Julia Stiles reads her poem at the end of "Ten Things I Hate About You". Scott and I will just have to agree to contribute to the rich diversity of life in very different ways.

Another slightly concerning letter appears on the same page, headed "CJ's the kreme of the crop". Elaine from Hallam tells the story of a polite young man (CJ) who gave her and her friends some donuts on a recent train trip. This is itself a very positive thing. I only got worried when Elaine announced " This welcome treat certainly made our day and has changed our view of the younger generation".

What did Elaine previously think of the younger generation? Self absorbed? Lacking in spontaneity? Overly health conscious?

The happy news is that Elaine's view of the younger generation, however negative, can not be too firmly entrenched if all it takes to turn it around is one donut.

There is hope for the future, people.

Damn I want to eat a donut now.

Shows I will not be watching

We have all seen ridiculous attempts at marketing shows that flop horribly. Usually Channel 7 is to blame here. Hamish and Andy, and whatever that two episode wonder of live comedy was called would be prime examples. Speaking of whatever that show was called, boy did they wheel out the big guns by having the first (and only) two episodes hosted by William McInnes and Tom Williams. Neither one of those guys has ever said anything funny.

For some inexplicable reason Channel 10 has now jumped on the expensive hype, bad show bandwagon. Given that recent history suggests that the more a show is marketed, the less time it runs for, I can’t quite understand the logic, but then again I probably would have said “Put a bunch of bogans in a house and then, like, nothing happens every night for about eight months, that will never work”, so what do I know.

So, to the shows I won’t be watching...

David Tench Tonight
The first hint that this was going to end badly was that the endlessly repeated teaser ads failed to contain a single funny line even though they had clearly worked really hard on them. The attempts to jump on the Socceroos bandwagon were tragic enough, but the utterly clichéd attempt at humour embodied by the “I don’t want to catch Ben Lee’s disease” line should have been enough to get the show cancelled three months before the first episode.

Channel 10, having clearly not annoyed us all enough, then decided to announce “At last, someone real on television”. This is usually code for “someone you haven’t heard of who will pretend to have controversial opinions”, or, given that this is Channel 10 possibly just a former housemate. The “real” person inevitably turns out to be following a carefully scripted, focus group tested and probably depressingly right wing line.

So, while I expected the “someone real on television” line to be a bit of a lie, I must admit to some surprise when it turned out to be A COMPLETE AND UTTER LIE.

Yes, there is someone in the world more cynical than me, and they work in marketing at Channel 10.

There is no amount of money in the world that would entice me to watch some animated idiot talking to frankly bemused minor celebrities for even two minutes of my life.

Yasmin’s getting married
Well I can’t, can I? But even if this show had made it past episode number four, I will not be watching any show based on the premises that:
1. A woman who is not married at 29 need to hurry up and get married in the next nine weeks to someone she hasn’t met yet
2. The best way to achieve this is with the guidance of a bunch of witless TV and radio presenters.

While we're on the topic of most hyped/least seen shows, Channel 10 have possibly set some sort of record by spending that much money marketing "Rene's getting married", a show which never actually existed. Not only was it not shown, as far as we know they did not shoot even an inch of footage. Congratulations.

And, finally, just to show that Channel 7 hasn’t lost its touch when it comes to over promoting ridiculous shows, we have...


Celebrity Survivor

The endlessly repeated two minute promo appeared to actually be designed to ensure that no one with a pulse would ever watch this thing. First there was the insanely broad definition of celebrity. Imogen Bailey has only ever been on one other show and that was “Celebrity Big Brother”. Saying you are a celebrity does not make you one. And as for Kym Johnson, dancing with a celebrity does not make you one either.

As if the casting was not bad enough already, the show is hosted by the great Ian “Dicko” Perigrove. Jeff Probst looks like someone who could probably survive a week or two on a deserted island if he had to. But Dicko? His attempt at hosting “My Restaurant Rules” was bad enough, but does anyone really think that the ability to find twenty different ways of saying “You can’t sing” each week in any way suggests that he will ask a single intelligent question at any Tribal Council in this entire series?

And since we’re talking about dishonest marketing, those ads suggesting that we will see what it is like for these celebrities to be away from the world of the red carpet etc etc seem a little out of touch with reality, don’t they? When was the last time Guy Leech, Wayne Gardner or Bobby from Home & Away went anywhere near a red carpet?

Nicolle Dickson now lists her occupation as “Mum” or something similar. That has to be far harder than sitting on an island, even an island where food is a little scarce and you have to compete in a challenge every day or two.

And then we have David Oldfield. Did I miss the bit in the recent reforms to broadcasting laws that requires every Channel 7 reality show to feature a former member of One Nation? Will the next one feature unsuccessful Victorian candidate Robyn Spencer, since she’s the only other One Nation member anyone could have a hope of naming? Come to think of it, her son is on “House”, and he used to be on Neighbours, so by Channel 7’s definitions that probably makes Robyn Spencer a celebrity TWICE.

I will not watch this show, ever. The only way I could ever imaging watching this show is in the frankly quite unlikely scenario in which someone has kidnapped my entire extended family and this is their only demand and I have tried putting a ransom on the kidnapper’s head like Mel Gibson did and that hasn’t worked.

Mark Burnett, please sue these turkeys without delay. I don’t care if you approved the concept, THIS CAN’T BE WHAT YOU INTENDED. You have money. Stop the broadcast now. I’ll draft the injunction for free if you like.

If anyone actually has ever watched one of these shows, feel free to tell me all about it in the comment section, or plug your own blog where you have reviewed them, or something. I will not be watching, no, not even to prove that I was right about how low Australian television can go.

If I want to do that “Midnight Zoo” is on quite often enough.

Ooh aah, just stop it

We all know that any song that gets stuck in one’s head, no matter how annoying, can be banished with a quick verse of “Walk Like an Egyptian”.

Unfortunately, this also gets annoying after a day or two and it has to be removed by singing Gina G’s classic “Ooh Ahh just a little bit”, but then I’m stuck with that, so I work my way through “Hips don’t lie”, “Uptown Girl”, and Euphoria’s “Love you right” before things get desperate and the only option is to resort to the one song that banishes all other annoying songs, the ever reliable “He was a sk8er boi”.

Now how do I get this stupid sk8er song out of my head? EVEN THE “SPELLING” IS DRIVING ME NUTS.

My current plan is to try a medley of “long Run” by Redgum, “4ever” by The Veronicas and New Order’s “Shellshock”, in the hope that this mystifying combination of styles will confuse my own head for just long enough for me to get to the door/a radio/a large bottle of gin and a straw.

Will this work? Is there a better way?

I will not be impressed if anyone suggests that I try anything by the Hooley Dooleys because THAT’S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO GET RID OF IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Lessons from parenting: Part 1

Honey Bear and I have two beautiful boys. Bundle is two, and Cherub is 3 months old. Here’s ten things I’ve learned:
1. Jumping out of a cupboard and yelling boo is endlessly hilarious.

2. So is yelling “Hoooa” like Will Smith on “Boom Shake the Room” every time Bundle squirts water out of a bath toy.

3. Children have amazing memories for where the food is kept and very poor memories for whether they have recently eaten any.

4. “Daddy. Funny.” Is the greatest compliment ever.

5. Compared to the competition, Hi 5 are the Beethoven Brahms Chopin Mozart and Rossini of children’s music.

6. Anyone who would prefer to spend the day at the office instead of being home with the children is completely mental.

7. Crumbed chicken with chips and tomato sauce equals meat and TWO vegetables.

8. Green bananas for $15/kg are STILL WORTH IT.

9. I do not want to ring Midnight Zoo and win cash. I want to send the host a 10kg bag of rice and a shirt.

10. It is possible to be addicted to a sound if that sound is a small child giggling.

HELLO YOU FOOL I LOVE YOU

First, a few blog related thankyous

To Ms Fits. I discovered the wonderful world of blogging after reading a newspaper article on that TV show Ms Fits wrote and thinking “Hey, I know that name, we went to the same school and my mate Dave had a crush on her, why don’t I check this out.”

More recently, the wonderful Ms Fits has kindly allowed me to post all sorts of inane questions and some truly stupid poetry about pantaloons as part of her Friday Q&A, which has been an excellent warm up for this blog. Cheers.

To IOYC. I will be very surprised if you ever read this, unless you are self googling or very bored. Anyway, your insane but irresistibly hilarious blog is an inspiration to aspiring bloggers everywhere. Please start writing again soon.

And finally, to Melbourne Girl. This fabulous blogger provided an actual sensible answer to the first question I ever left on Ms Fits’ blog, which was some rubbish about how to knit pants for cats. This lead me to check out her wonderfully titled blog, “World. Oyster. Stage”. Whilst reading this blog is sometimes the literary equivalent of having your heart ripped out by a deranged Mexican lizard (in a good way), it is also wonderfully life affirming.

To give you a sense of the quality you can expect from this blog, here’s the first instalment in a series on great rock lyrics of our time. And who better to kick off with than Giant, four fairly talented guys who produced some fine hair metal riffs, one or two great basslines and some truly fabulous lyrics.

All those elements came together on “No Way Out”, from their 1989 album “Last of the Runaways”.

The basic premise of this song is that lead singer Dan Huff meets a girl at some club or other dodgy venue. As he explains it “First we started talking/ then we started walking”.

At this point, things are looking pretty sweet for Dan. Clearly, picking up strangers at clubs is a GOOD IDEA.

But wait. It all starts to go wrong as the young lady announces:
I live round the next bend/have you met my boyfriend/ He’ll be waiting there for you

We are then left in suspense as they work their way through the chorus. We wait will bated breath for all to be revealed in the second verse. Sure enough, Dan also wants to know what is going on.

The second verse is worth reproducing in full, because it is gold.

I said hey, what’s all this/ I don’t get off on playing games
She just smiled, and blew me a kiss/ I saw my night go up in flames
He came round the corner/ It was getting warmer/ Oh oh
Then I saw him coming, so I started running/
This is like some crazy dream….

And there’s No Way Out ….



That. Is. Rock. At. Its. Finest.

There is nothing more I can add to lyrics this good, except to note that just in case we have missed the moral of the story, there is one final verse where Dan sees another attractive young lady at a club and WALKS AWAY WITHOUT TALKING TO HER.

Kids, don’t pick up strangers at the club. You will be chased up the street by angry boyfriends, yes you will.


Finally, a brief note for anyone who ever reads blogs by oddly named people and wonders who is writing this stuff.

Around four people in the world could possibly figure out what the phrase “I’m not Craig” is a reference to. Those people would instantly know exactly who I am. So Mark, John, Kathy and of course Craig, do drop by and say hi.

For everyone else, all you need to know is that I am really truly not Craig. I am sure that Craig would want everyone to know that I am someone else entirely, and this blog does not represent his views, except occasionally and by coincidence.

And in conclusion, come and join the joyride.