Lazy holiday blogging

A few things that may help to distract you from being annoyed with me for posting the most frustratingly difficult quiz ever....



1. I was driving to a friend's place last night and flicking through various commercial radio stations when I heard the last 15 seconds of "Walk Like an Egyptian". I was disappointed until I remembered that I had that song on CD and the CD was in the glove box. My first though was 'YEEAAAAH!", closely followed by "I really shouldn't put this on the blog."


Oops.

2. Fans of the multi-talented Ms Hardy may agree that this is surely her best contribution to television reviewing yet.

I am in awe of this woman's ability to get them to print this stuff.

3. If a cow laughs too hard, would milk snort out its nose?

4. I don't usually do the stupid criminal story thing because I've dealt with cases way dumber than most of the ones that appear in the paper but I have an ethical duty not to blog about them. Having said that, this one from The Age is a gem.

5. My wife thinks I should have put some pants on before going out to bring the bins in this week. I think it's a quiet street and it was staring to get dark anyway.
What say you?

6. My mother owns a book on the lost art of Towel Origami.
I am not even mildly surprised

The gay Ms O'Foot

Okay, I'm posting this before it gets any bigger.


For those who didn't read the post before last, several lovely people have submitted three statements about themselves, and your task is to email me your guesses as to which three statements match which blogger.

I'll email you your score and once entries are in, or in around a week's time, I'll announce the winner. I'll also post the correct answers, along with a few comments as to which of the guesses were most surprising.

Thanks to everyone who joined in. There are three statements each from Meva, Gigglewick, Mizanthrop, Adam, Leilani, Actonb, MelbourneGirl and me.

And here they are:

1. I have never owned a car.

2. I grew up in a Angelina Jolie style 'rainbow family'; both my sibs were adopted from different countries, in fact I'm the only member of my immediate family, (aside from my child/ren) to be born an Australian citizen.

3. When I started uni at 17, I wouldn't go to the Student Union for the first week because I thought I would have to show some kind of card to prove I was a Unionist. (And, no. Tony Abbott isn't my uncle.)

4. Once I drove to Sydney with 2 girlfriends in a VW beetle. We stopped in Albury for the night and went to a pub and met about 8 guys and we all then squeezed into the beetle to go to the local disco. I kissed one of the boys later.

5. I have not eaten McDonalds since 1991.

6. To get back at one of my brothers I once froze my own wee into ice cubes and served it to him in a glass of lemon cordial. (I was nine years old)

7. I went to primary school next door to Pentridge Prison. Through clumsy ball play and schoolyard bullies I lost a football, basketball and 4 tennis balls over the bluestone wall and in the 6 years I was there we had our lunchtime cut short twice while police scoured the area for escapees.

8. I used to be able to do a 360 on a skateboard.

9. I once told my Christian best friend that Greek Mythology makes more sense than christianity.

10. I was the under-17s doubles-kayaking champion in my state.

11. My elderly cat pissed on me while I was sound asleep in bed at 4am last week.

12. Once I won an egg-throwing competition.

13. Paul McDermott once sat on my lap. I think this caused permanent
damage to my sense of smell.

14. My brother used to sledge me by singing "You’ve got a big nose" to the tune of 1927’s "You’ll never know".

15. I never finished high school.

16. I got a massive and extremely well done line stroke painting of a samurai
slasher for Christmas.

17. My favourite café in the world is in Chattanooga. This is irritating.

18. I didn't get my first car until I was 26. It was a 1968 Merc with a fold back sunroof, I thought it was so cool, until it died.

19. I have no opinion whatsoever on Nicole Kidman's pregnancy.

20. I have a three metre high bamboo teepee in my front garden.

21. I have played netball with the daughter of Australian cricketing legend Ian Redpath.

22. My favourite car ever is a Skoda.

23. Both of my parents seriously considered joining the Communist Party when they were in their early 20's.

24. I still harbour a grudge against my mother for not letting me learn morris dancing while at Infants School.

Once again, this proves my theory that the most interesting thing about this blog is the people who read it.

Good luck!

Tickled by emo

This blogging hiatus is scheduled to last a few more days, or until the final entry in our little getting to know you game arrives, but I couldn't resist taking a few moments to give a shout out to my fabulous 16 year old niece.

As I wandered through my loungeroom a couple of days ago, I caught a snatch of one side of a phone conversation that went something like this:

"Honey Bear? Oh yeah, she was emoing because her wireless broadband wasn't working, but it's okay now".



Yes, really.



"She was emoing".




Quite seriously.



Without a trace of irony.




"Emoing"








That's right, there really is someone in the world who actually talks like that.


And I'm related to her.



Excellent.

I'd like to get to know you (well)

I meet with a small group of friends around once a week to catch up, talk about deep stuff and possibly read some Bibles and so forth. For our last get together before the Christmas holidays, my dear friend Rubies decided that we should find out how well we knew each other.

It worked like this. Each of us wrote down three short statements about ourselves. The only requirement was that they had to be true. Rubies prepared a question sheet for each of us which had the names of the 11 participants across the top, followed by 33 statements. We then had to match three statements to each name. Each correct match scored a point and the person with the highest score won cash and/or prizes.

So it looked something like this:

Participants: Pacey, Rubies, Doc, Petrolhead, DangerMouse, Betty, Hunter, INC, Widget, Duke & Wigs*

There followed a list of 33 different statements, which included:

I played the tambourine on the stage at the Sydney Opera House

I nearly blew up the backyard when I was young

My youngest sister has five stitches above her right eye where I hit her on the backswing with a cricket bat

My first date with my spouse involved floating down a river in a rubber innertube

I helped run a youth group named “Only After Dark”

My first car’s name was Luke

When I was in the under 16c cricket team at school, I had a bowling average of 4.

I featured in a fly fishing magazine article (photo and all)

I once spent an entire week at a Bible College. It was a Baptist college so they played drinking games with water. Two guys drank so much water that they threw up

I love Glen Murcutt’s architecture

I chose my dog primarily because my boyfriend said he ‘didn’t like that one’.

When my flatmate visited Tasmania, I insisted that she must send me a postcard from the town of Baghdad. She ended up driving about 50km out of her way and her friends got cross with me.

etc etc etc





I scored 12 out of 33, which include the three that were about me, so when it came to guessing other people's I actually got 9 out of 30. I've known most of these people for two years or more so it's a bit embarassing.

It should be emphasised here that most people in the group did worse than that. Also, the absolute highlight of the evening was when DangerMouse turned to the young lady next to him and said "Well, I guess you're the one I know least about, Heather", and got the reply "My name is Betty."

Regular readers have probably already guessed that the one about getting a postcard from Baghdad was one of mine. Two of the others are mine too, but I'll leave you to guess which ones.

Which brings me to the most surprising discovery from this exercise. Rubies, who compiled the quiz, told me afterwards that she had nearly decided to edit the "Baghdad" one because she thought everyone would guess it was me instantly. But not because it involved a stupid postcard. No, it was because, apparently, I am the only person in the group who would use the word 'cross'.

Who on earth would notice something like that? I hadn't noticed and apparently I'm the one who says it all the time.

So, in the spirit of pointless curiosity and also coming as close as I will ever come to starting a meme, here's an opportunity to see how well we all know each other. If you'd like to join in, email me three statements about yourself (preferably not things that you have blogged about recently) and the address of your blog. If at least five people actually do this, I'll throw in another three from me and I'll post a list of the participants and their statements. You can either guess in the comments section or, if you want to know your score, email your answers to me.

There will be a small prize in the form of getting your name mentioned on this blog for the person with the highest score.

Feel free to take your time sending in entries. One of my nieces is arriving tomorrow and she's staying for a week. Another niece arrives the day the first one leaves and she'll be here for another week, so if I get a chance to post anything, or even check this blog, in the next two weeks I'll be mildly surprised.

Have a fabulous fortnight, folks.

* Yes, I spent hours trying to come up with nicknames for everyone. Which may be a waste of time since I'm pretty sure none of these people read this blog

You both have excellent taste

I had a slightly odd moment today when I realised that every woman who has ever been crazy enough to go on a second date with me was in the same room at the same time.

Of course, that wasn't hard to organise, considering that there are two people in the world who have ever done so, and one of them is my wife.

This could mean that I was never one for dating lots of people to see what would happen, or it could mean that I took a really long time to develop the knack of making a good first impression.

I'm really very happy that I don't need to work out which of those answers is correct.

Dare to dream of seamonkeys and twinkies, good people

Or I would post anything for Melbs, but I shouldn't post this: Part 2


Every once in a while, I make a promise without entirely thinking it through. I suddenly find myself saying "Yes, I would be happy to play the role of Blooper the Dog in 'Sunday School Camping Adventure'", and then I spend a number of weeks considering the many, many ways in which I am likely to regret such rashness.


I still have it on video and I solemnly swear that none of you will ever see it. Ever.

To show that I learn little from past mistakes, some time last August I foolishly made a promise to MelbourneGirl, and my other two readers, that I would post the lyrics to the least successful love song ever written.

So, despite deep concerns to the effect that none of you will ever return after reading this post, it's time to start the new year as I intend to continue it but posting stupid stuff that will make you all think less of me. So, with seriously big reservations, I will now post, in full, the lyrics to "Nothing Rhymes with Edwina".



This will, of course, stuff up the anonymity thing good and proper if this blog is ever read by anyone who met me in between 1989 and 1995, that being the length of time for which my annoyingly persistent crush lasted. I'm pretty sure that everyone who met me in that time heard about it at least once.



Except Edwina.



In hindsight, I kind of had that all the wrong way round, really.

Edwina and I grew up together at the same largish church in Melbourne. We were friends but I wanted more and, being to shy, or too scared, to tell her how I felt, I spent many hours moping to the tune of the Bangles' "Be With You". This was stupid beyond belief, but I was young and terribly insecure and these are not character traits that are likely to lead to big Seth Cohen coffee cart moments.



Some time around 1993, Edwina grew, quite reasonably, fed up with the insane internal politics at our church and, realising that she had a driver's licence now, promptly joined a different church several miles away.


We went to different universities and had few mutual friends. We still spoke on the phone from time to time but that was all. Clearly, drastic measures were called for.



So, I wrote a song and, with the help of an incredibly supportive and patient friend who happened to own a microphone and a guitar, recorded it. I posted a copy of the cassette, together with a brief letter, to Edwina and waited for the phone to ring.



If there is a copy of this song still in existence, the only person who could possibly have it would be Edwina. I suspect that that copy no longer exists. So, working purely from memory, it had an oddly upbeat tune and some excellent chord progressions and the lyrics went like this:

She's gone away, she won't come back,

and she probably thinks I don't care

I tried to write a song for her,

but it reduced me to despair

So I talk to my blank sheet of paper

And I don't know who to blame

How can I write a song for her

When nothing rhymes with her name?

It's months now since she went away

It's so long since I've seen her

I tried to write a song for her

But nothing rhymes with Edwina

It's not that I don't like her name

It's the best I've ever heard

But trying to find a rhyme for it

Is nothing short of absurd

So I sit with my blank sheet of paper

And I wonder how many times

I could have written a song for her

If I could find a word that rhymes

It's months now since she went away

I't so long since I've seen her

I tried to write a song for her

But nothing rhymes with Edwina

For the record, Edwina was a little bit moved and deeply, deeply amused by this. But, since I still lacked the courage to actually suggest going out some time, it all went nowhere. Over time, we gradually drifted apart ( I suspect she utterly disapproved of my increasingly lefty politics) and in the end Edwina married a very nice guy who was not much like me at all.



Whether her husband ever wrote her any songs is unknown, but if he did they were probably better than that one.

I, on the other hand, spent several years considering whether I should just join a monastry. Of course, it all ended happily when I met and married my true soulmate, whom I still love to distraction.



I don't know where Edwina is now or what she is doing. I just hope that she is happy, and, more importantly, that she spends no time whatsoever googling her own name.