Same old song/ just a drop of water in an endless sea

I realise that I have posted about songs getting stuck in my head a time or two before, but I think I have discovered the stupidest one yet and it would be wrong not to blog about it.

For context, I have spent the past 28 days desperately trying to organize a loan from an incompetent bank with the help of an incompetent mortgage broker, whilst simultaneously arranging loans from two family members and mostly thinking the whole deal was going to fall through with the inevitable consequences of homelessness etc.

During that time, Honey Bear and I have used the expression ‘all our ducks in a row’ so often that when the last bank cheque was finally issued just a little less than 48 hours before settlement was due to take place, I rang Honey Bear and said “Quack”. She quite naturally enquired along the lines of “Dude wtf?” and I explained that that was the sound of the last duck in the row and she was very pleased.


The point here is that if there was a song called “Ducks in a Row” it would be stuck in my head by now, but since there isn’t, my brain showed way too much initiative and invented one without being asked. The lyrics are still a work in progress, but the chorus, sung to the tune of Kansas’ “Dust in the Wind”, is irritatingly memorable.

Sometimes I suspect that my creative side hates me.

For more on the meaning of having one’s ducks in a row, you really, really must click here


Settlement is due to take place tomorrow morning and all going well we move on Saturday. This means that it may be some days before this computer is in any way connected to an internet, so I apologise in advance for any non-responsiveness to comments and emails and stuff.

Also, if you will forgive the sickening crunch of metaphorical gears as we shift from birds to mammals, if this settlement actually goes ahead I will feel the sense of self satisfaction that can only be compared to a man who sets out to herd cats and ends up with something like this:

I can't hide all these thoughts in my mind

Apologies for the pointformness of this post, which results from a degree of busyness consistent with moving house in one week’s time. In any case, here are a few things I did this weekend on the company love in planning weekend, held at a secret location guarded by an ancient order of monks called Marysville

1. Hit the boss’s wife in the head with a snowball, from a quite impressive distance
2. Saw a very nice waterfall
3. Ate oxtail consommé
4. Played an entire game of volleyball with a heavy jumper on because the boss had threatened to sack anyone caught wearing a Kevin ’07 T-shirt
5. Drank possibly just a little bit more red wine than I should have
6. Remained lucid enough to refuse to participate in a sing along to a Robbie Williams song because, and I quote, “I hate his music with the fire of a thousand suns”
7. Agreed instead to entertain my colleagues with an a capella rendition of Gina G’s “Ooh Aah (Just a little bit)” on the condition that at least 5 of my colleagues acted as backing dancers.

My attempts to deny that that last one ever happened would have been more convincing if the office manager hadn’t recorded the whole thing on video. I’m sure she’s putting it on YouTube right now.

I have no regrets. No matter how ridiculous I looked and sounded, watching five lawyers trying to dance in some sort of co-ordinated manner was still close to the funniest thing I have ever seen.

I would post anything for Melbs (but I shouldn’t post this): Part 1

This one goes out to Melbourne Girl from Melbourne, Australia, as an expression of my gratitude for this post, and because I promised I would. So, with deep reservations and a clear warning that you read this nonsense at your own risk, we at Life is a Highway are “proud” to present a couple of examples of my early attempts at songwriting.

The first dates back to 1997. This song was written as part of a day long jam session with a couple of good friends (in, if memory serves, an actual garage). At some point, the guitarist decided each of the three of us should take 10 minutes to write a song from scratch. To make some sense of it, this was not long after Silverchair (back in their Frogstomp days) had been touring the USA with the Chilli Peppers. One gig in particular did not go well, and reports of that disaster inspired the following memorably stupid song.


There’s a game that they play in Eastern Europe
But not so much in the UK or France
Maybe it’s the culture, or something about the language
But that doesn’t explain why it’s taken off, in the USA

So when they meet you on the streets in Germany
And ask you for your name
If the answer’s Hans or Fritz
Or even Daniel
Then the games begin
In their unique German way
As the crowd gathers round and yells ‘til it hurts

You’re not Kurt
You’re not Kurt

It’s a strange game that they play in Eastern Europe
But as I mentioned before, not in the UK or France
In fact it’s hardly ever, played anymore
Just like the game in that really awful book by Ruth Park

So when they meet you on the streets in Germany
And ask you for your name
If the answer’s Hans or Fritz
Or even Daniel
Then the games begin
In their unique German way
As the crowd gathers round and yells ‘til it hurts

You’re not Kurt
You’re not Kurt
Jump off the stage and we’ll take your pants
Coz you’re not Kurt

[repeat and fade]

Mysteriously, this was never recorded or released, although it turns out that Daniel Johns was probably too busy smoking pot* with famous people to care.

Next week, or whenever I next find time in between packing boxes, reading about Deathly Hallows (is it unhealthy to get to sleep by counting Horcruxes, do you think?) and possibly blogging about other stuff, I will be posting the lyrics to the least successful love song ever recorded. It was called, quite seriously, “Nothing rhymes with Edwina”.

Trust me folks, you will not want to miss that one.







*allegedly, but lets not forget that the alleging here was done by, yes, Daniel Johns.

I assure you this is not a post about real estate

The last time I turned up to a church service (that would be a few weeks ago now) we read one of the most unappreciated parts of the Bible. It’s a section that is commonly referred to as the “Seven Woes”, and basically consists of Jesus bagging out the religious leaders of the time in a manner that sounds less like most people’s idea of how Jesus might talk and more like Axl Rose towards the end of “Get in the Ring”

You can read the seven woes in full here, but to give you the general idea, most of it went a bit like this:

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel."

Jesus also calls these highly respected religious leaders blind fools, vipers and children of hell.

It’s magnificent stuff.

It should give you a fairly good insight into how my mind works that the overwhelming rock and rollness of this bit of the Bible got me to wondering “If that’s the Seven Woes, what would a tribute to great screams in rock history called “the Seven Woahs” look like?”


Probably something like this:

1. Transvision Vamp – Baby I Don’t Care
The opening chords of this classic are almost entirely drowned out by a raging “Wooah” from Wendy James that could strip paint off a tank.

2. Motley Crue – Kick Start my Heart
If you are going to say “Woah Yeah Baby” then saying it just after you sky dive naked from an aeroplane makes sense to me.

3. Bon Jovi – Living on a Prayer
Surely the one that set the standard for the use of the woah in stadium rock and everyone else has been playing catch up ever since.

4. Whiteheart – No Taboo
Almost no-one who might read be reading this will be familiar with this great moment in 80s Christian Rock, but Rick Florian and the boys from Whiteheart deserve a mention for possible the longest woah going around. The entire chorus consists of “Wo-o-o-o-o-o –oah/ Wo-o-oah/ NO TABOO [repeat]”

5. Arrested Development – Everyday People
Not the most rockin’ selection in this list but the unique “long Wooah- short wo” combination demands inclusion.

6. The Sweet – Ballroom Blitz
This is better known for the “yeah” than the “wooah” but it still rates

7. Guns 'N' Roses – Sweet Child of Mine
And that will bring us back to Axl.



Next week, we move on to the seven “hooahs”, featuring DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince on “Boom Shake the Room” and other such classics, or possibly a post that has some point to it.


Vote now.

Mysterious Ways

It would not be ridiculous to suggest that my last post was a little light on for content. This is probably because I was too busy drinking Baileys and eating caramel glazed cream filled donuts to write a detailed post about anything much.

So, just before I never write another post about real estate ever ever ever again, here’s a few moré details of my attempting-to-buy-a-house experience.

The current emotional rollercoaster got started when we checked out a nice four bedroom place in a suburb that was roughly halfway between Melbourne’s CBD and, say, Wonthaggi. It was quite new, very pleasant, big enough, within a day’s hike of the nearest public transport (a vitally important criteria for any one-car family), close enough to where we live now that we may still see our irl peeps from time to time, and altogether pretty well ideal for us, apart from the smallish back yard and truly bizarre white sink in the kitchen. Oh, and the loungeroom was oddly proportioned and we prefer gas stoves to electric, but my point is that these are not big issues.

So, we asked the agent what he thought it would sell for at auction. He gave us a range, the top end of which was $30,000 less than we were willing and able to spend. We thought we had a shot at it. In fact, we thought it would be surprising if anyone was willing to bid more than we could afford for that house.

So, we organised a reasonably priced but still fairly expensive building inspection, we frantically shuffled money between accounts so we could write a cheque for the deposit on auction day, we got quite nervous thinking about how devastatingly disappointing it would be not to get the house, we organised for the children to spend some quality time with my parents, and we headed off to the auction.

And we watched, with a measure of disbelief, as in the space of around 2 minute and 38 seconds, the bidding increased by $230,000 from the initial bid, merrily sailing past the range estimated by the agent and all the way to a ridiculous price that was around $80,000 above the maximum estimated, and, as a result, $50,000 more than we could possibly afford to pay.

So, we took ourselves off to a local café, where we ate a large bowl of wedges with sour cream, accompanied by a large mug of coffee for the guy who was driving and a glass of chardonnay for his wife who was not.

The rest of the weekend was a not unpleasant round of taking children to parks, church, spending more time with my parents before they headed interstate, and wondering at length how in the world we would ever manage to buy anything bigger than a caravan on half a vacant block somewhere just to the north of Lakes Entrance.

Also, more drinking.

Which didn’t help either.

So, in the end we decided to forget the whole thing for a few weeks, focus on the forthcoming birthday party for Bundle and visit of mother in law, and start again when a few more houses came onto the market.

We were not pleased. At all.

Then, four days later, the phone rang.

*Ring ring*

*Ring ring*

*Ring ring*

*Ring ring*

No one was home. Fortunately, they rang my mobile next

*weird new age style sounds possibly originally recorded by John Tesh*

It was a real estate agent, ringing to tell me that the truly awesome house that we had seen about six weeks earlier and which we had not been able to afford at the time was suddenly back on the market, the owners needed to sell really quickly and they would sell it to us for a surprisingly good price if we were quick.

We were quick. In fact, six hours later we were at the agent’s office and eight hours later the deal was done.

I still can’t quite believe it but in a bit less than four weeks we will be moving into a freaking amazing two storey four bedroom house with a large backyard which is in every sense exactly the ideal house for our family and nearly a week later I still can’t believe that just happened.

Sometimes things are just good. Other times they are stunningly, unbelievably sensationally good.

Blogging may continue to be on the infrequent side for the next few weeks as I will be very busy organizing a rather large loan, gardening, cleaning, hiring a truck and taking every other available moment to marvel at my good fortune.