Why I needed a holiday

A few things I wanted to do at work last week, but didn't.

1. Ring up a client who was running 45 minutes late and say "Lara Bingle has a question for you".

2. Stand in front of the photocopier yelling "You're out of order".

3. Just once, tell a client that their situation reminds me of something I saw on Ally McBeal. Confidently advise them on how Ally solved that problem and how the same approach could work for us.

4. Warn of the perils of litigation in song (If you don't want to cry like I'm doing, Keep away from runaway suing...). This will ony be funny if I hire backing singers.

5. Say to a client "All we ever do is talk about your problems".

6. Announce during a staff meeting that in some countries they use fish instead of money and then suggest that we adopt this approach at our firm. Invite people to join a working group to discuss the necessary upgrades to our vending machines.

I've been away for two days so far. Do you think they are missing me?

Exciting launch of new blog*

Following our discussion on a recent post, Gigglewick's suggestion for a new blog has been so well received I decided to set it up. Since we all have blogs already, I'm not sure how often anything will get posted there, but "We do talk about our kids" now exists.

MG, Actonb, Gigglewick and anyone else who wants to contribute to it (are you interested, Meva?), please email me (notcraigorama@gmail.com) so I can attempt to overcome my technophobia long enough to add you as authors on that blog. It seems I need email addresses in order to do this.

I'm about to go to Adelaide for a week so possibly nothing will happen for a while, but EMAIL ME, EMAIL ME NOW and let the endless cuteness begin continue.





* Yes, Gigglewick, I know I'm stealing your post titles too now

Wheels Kovac had a point

I miss The Glass House. And I'm slightly baffled that it is apparently going to be replaced by The Big Gig, but that's beside the point.

One of the many reasons why I used to watch The Glass House was the ever present possibility that Wil Anderson would crack and turn on one of the guests. Occasionally, this did happen, and never more memorably then when Marcus Graham made what was probably his only guest appearance. As far as I can call, the conversation went something like this:

Wil: Marcus Graham, you're running for Prime Minister. What's your campaign slogan?

Wheels: We are Australia

*beat*

Wil: That's *$&#. I'm going to give you another go at that. Marcus Graham, you're running for Prime Minister. What's your campaign slogan?

Wheels: WE. ARE. AUSTRALIA.

*awkward pause while Wil and Wheels glare a lot and try to decide whether to start punching each other*

Dave Hughes: You know what I like about Marcus Graham's policies? They're consistent.

I usually find myself backing Wil when he has these little feuds with say, Shannon Noll or Heath Ledger, but after thinking about this a little I decided that Marcus Graham may have been on to something. It may be the least likely source of political inspiration anywhere ever, but stay with me for a minute and lets see what happens.

Ever since Black Saturday in 1996, this country has become progressively meaner, smaller minded, less compassionate, and less inspiring.* We have, for reasons that escape me, continued to re-elect a politician who is determined to hang onto power by constantly appealing to the very worst in our nature.

We need someone, anyone really, to stand up and say that we do not have to be like this. Australia is a country with a proud history of welcoming people from all over the world and building a country that we could all be proud of. There are a few things in our history that we couldn't possibly be proud of but is was not that long ago that there was a great deal of popular support for that almost forgotten concept of reconciliation.

At some point someone has to remind us all that this is Australia, a country full of decent people who believe in a fair go for everyone, and it's time we got back to behaving like it. Someone needs to point to our current attitudes to the most vulnerable in our society and around the world, and tell us that our attitude stinks and we're better than this.

"We are Australia" would be as good a slogan as any for this campaign.

In addition to appealing to the best in people instead of the worst, a campaign like this would not even damage a party's economic credentials. It doesn't require any huge investment in health or education, it doesn't affect industry policy (apart from the unmeasurably cost of getting rid of "WorkChoices"), and surely there can not be any great cost to the economy of ceasing to waste unbelievable sums of money locking people up for the appalling offence now known as "wanting to live here", or invading other countries for reasons that are yet to be adequately explained.

And so the question is, could this possibly work and why on earth doesn't someone at least try it?



* And significantly dumber.

Someone's been paying attention

A couple of recent conversations with my beautiful two year old have made it very clear that this child has a knack for picking up new words and phrases quickly, and also a gift for comedy.

I worked out that he was geting quite articulate recently when he announced "I'm just going to get this piece sausage, I'll be right back". And I was most please when he came out with "Finish your wine, daddy" a few nights ago.

I think it was around two weeks ago that we had a conversation that went like this:

Bundle: It's time for stories
INC: Daddy just needs to finish his dinner, then we'll do stories
Bundle (looking out the window) It's getting darker and darker and darker

I should point out that it was around 6.40pm, which means it was around 20 minutes before we usually start bedtime stories, and it was broad daylight.

And then there was our conversation about a toy truck that didn't seem to be working, despite Bundle repeatedly pressing the button that usually makes it go all noisy.

Bundle: We've got flat batteries
INC: Can I have a look at that
Bundle. Yes. Of course you can, daddy.

Possibly my favourite, though, was a conversation we had last night:

Bundle: I've got a question, Daddy
INC: And what question is that?
Bundle: It's your question
INC: Really? It's my question?
Bundle: It's my question now
INC: And which question is it?
Bundle: Number five.

Can anyone tell me how to answer that one?

A good day

What to do after a long and not particularly enjoyable week at work? My brief and somewhat half baked attempts to actually organize some sort of social activity for the weekend having come to nought, a phone call this morning from my lovely parents saying it’s a hot day, why not come over and spend the afternoon at our airconditioned house, was really very well timed.

Not only was it great to see my parents (and to see how excited Bundle gets at the mere mention of a visit to grandpa and grandma’s house) this visit had the added benefit that my parents were dogsitting my sister’s new puppy for the weekend. This puppy is honey coloured and gorgeous and is coping remarkably well with having been named “Woofy” by my four year old niece. Watching Bundle giggle while the puppy chased him around the yard was good for the soul.

It was one of those days which just meanders along at its own pace in the most pleasant manner possible. Cherub enjoyed being able to walk around the house, which he couldn’t do a week ago, and only occasionally gave us heart attacks by climbing on steps and then standing near the edge grinning. Bundle spent a good amount of time gardening with grandma (they had bought him his own little wheelbarrow – words can’t convey the cuteness). Honey Bear and I had time to read books and search for houses on the internet, which confirmed that we can’t afford one but we could spend a few entertaining minutes wondering what exactly is a ‘townhome’.

We rounded the day out with a pleasant stroll through some leafy walking paths, an early dinner that benefited exceptionally from Honey Bear’s mad pasta saucing skillz, a brief but giggly bath for the boys, and a fortunately short drive home.

By 7.30pm, two very tired boys were sleeping soundly and we were discovering the unique experience that is watching “Honey”.

Still to come, more fine viewing of fictitious American politics. If there is a finer way to relax late on a Saturday evening than two hours of The West Wing accompanied by a barrel glass of port, I am yet to find it.

Yes. That was a good day.

Proud parent moment

Yes, another one.

We knew that Cherub, being a second child, would probably start walking earlier than
Bundle did. There is a certain amount of perverseness to that. With Bundle, we, like all first time parents, wanted him to walk and talk as soon as possible. With Cherub, we were in no hurry whatsoever.

Then again, we were still eight kinds of thrilled when he took his first unassisted steps this week.

It’s not like we didn’t know this was coming. He’s been cruising around the lounge room while hanging on to furniture, for a few weeks now. On the weekend, I knew he was getting closer when he stood up in the middle of the room. I instinctively put out a hand to steady him. He looked at me, gave me a high five, and kept standing there.

Walking at ten months old is pretty impressive. If all goes to plan, Cherub should be dancing at Backstreet Boy level by his first birthday.

At the latest.

Grrrrrrrrrrr

Okay, I know I said I wasn’t sure when I would write more stuff, but as it happens, I’m far too cross to keep quiet, and it’s all thanks to this. You can find some more detail here, and here, and even over here. Yes, our State government is inspiring, just not in a good way.

I have been thinking a lot about Peter Garrett lately, mostly thanks to Melbourne Girl’s very fine post about his sudden support for US bases. The debate about his comments seems to centre on whether it’s better to have politicians who used to stand for something but take a pragmatic approach and compromise in order to get into power, or whether we would prefer to have politicians who never stood for anything, ever, in their whole sad lives.

These are, of course, not the only two options. It would be possible to set out what you stand for, stick to it, and see what happens. Wouldn’t it be fun if someone tried it, just for a change? Anyway, if the choice comes down to a pragmatist like Peter Garrett or a non-entity stands-for-nothing-ever idiot like Steve Bracks, I’m voting for the pragmatist.

In any case, here’s what may be considered the first draft of my next letter to our Premier.



Dear Mr Bracks

Everyone who knows me knows that I celebrated the end of the Kennett government in 1999. The celebrations lasted for months. And nobody would be surprised that I was unenthused by the prospect of Denis Napthine or Robert Doyle as premier of this State. Ted Ballieu seems like a reasonable sort of guy but I couldn’t vote for him without also voting for the rabble he leads, so, uninspiring though you are, you have had my solid support for many years.

You have not really done much as far as I can tell, other than stay in power, hold a few enquiries in order to then do nothing, bore us all with a pointless sporting event involving many countries and of course place a truly ridiculous roof on a train station, but I always thought you were basically a decent and generally inoffensive type of guy.

Not any more.

Your letter to the police association, promising taxpayer funded defences for police officers convicted of corruption type activities, was bad enough. Maybe it’s the ten years I have spent in the Courts defending people, but I always believed everyone was equally entitled to a fair trial. What I do not believe in is special treatment for those who have sworn to uphold the law but yet have already been convicted of corruption. Nor do I believe it is a particularly good thing to do a deal to this effect, in secret, for your own political advantage.

But that’s not all.

In a week when I though Today Tonight had sunk as low as it was possible to go when it comes to stuffing up and then providing an explanation that is so ridiculous that it amounts to treating the public with utter contempt, you went one better. It’s a big achievement, but I’m not sure how proud, exactly, you should be.

You actually thought you could talk your way out of this by arguing that it was not a secret deal between you and the police because the police did not sign the letter you sent them.

That is so far past stupid that you can not longer even see stupid out the back window of the car on a straight road in flat treeless country on a clear day with a truly well manufactured set of binoculars.

Let me just see if I understand your argument.

You wrote a huge long letter to the police promising to do a number of this for them, but it’s not a secret deal because they did not sign the letter.
The things you promised to do were things the police clearly wanted you to do and you had discussed this with them before, but it’s not a secret deal because they did not sign the letter
You did this shortly before an election and didn’t make it public, but it’s not a secret deal because they did not sign the letter
The police association came out in support of your campaign for re-election a few days after they got the letter, BUT IT’S NOT A SECRET DEAL BECAUSE THEY DID NOT SIGN THE LETTER.

My goodness you must think we are amazingly thick, or just too apathetic to care at all no matter what sort of stupid crap you come up with. Out of curiosity, which one is it?

I have voted for, or at least preferenced, the Labor party in every election since I became eligible to vote. That was 1992, which means I voted for Joan Kirner. And Mark Latham. But your recent disgraceful contempt for the electorate is the last straw. If anyone ever comes up with a half-way credible alternative to your appalling government, I will vote for them in a heartbeat.

If I do ever vote for you again, it will be solely due to a lack of any decent alternative, and I will probably slap myself in the head with some sort of waffle immediately afterwards. Then I will feel depressed and eat the waffle.

Please go away soon.

Yours in absolute disgust,

INC